I do not talk much about the fact that Andy and I have a very slim chance of having a kid of our own. Mostly because I am the type of person that if a topic is difficult to talk about I like to change the subject as quickly as possible ( a habit I am really trying hard to beak). However, after a long chat with Andy about this topic this evening, I decided to share a bit of my heart with all of you.
In case you do not know I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome and Endometriosis, both of which are leading causes of infertility in women. The first time I was told by a Doctor I was not going to be able to have children was just about 1 year ago to the day, right before my surgery for the aforementioned conditions. I honestly don't think it was until my conversation with Andy tonight that I really dealt with how I felt about it. Whenever people have asked me "When are you and Andy having kids?" I usually responded with a laughable "Oh, we're just not ready yet" meanwhile screaming in my head something about how I have been told we can't and really don't want to be asked that. However, as always, I put on my smile and face the world, all while really pretending the issue didn't really exist.
However, I finally did have that breakdown about it. Yes it was about 1 year later than a normal persons breakdown would happen, but it happened nonetheless. Andy had just made a simple statement about him being in a place where he had really come to terms with it and was accepting of adoption (although it was something we had always talked about) I realized at that point I have not come to terms with it at all. So for about 35 minutes I cried and just let it all out, my worries about not being able to have kids, the feeling of inadequacy about not being able to do something a woman is supposed to be able to do, and the worries of how stressful it may be if we do try to conceive. Not to mention the problems I could have with the pregnancy if it does ever happen. And how much I want to adopt but can't help but feel like I want my own child too and how selfish that makes me feel because I know there are a lot of children out there with needs. Now that all my concerns were all out in the open and I had just cried and talked for 35 minutes, I mostly just expected Andy to tell me I was crazy about having so many emotions come out, but, he just took my hand, told me he loved me, and that God had a plan.
Honestly, finally letting all of that out of my system, even though it was long overdue, I feel like it has finally opened it up where God can heal this part of my life and reveal how He is going to use this for His kingdom and honor. Maybe Andy and I will be able to miraculously have kids and all this anxiety will be for nothing, maybe we adopt a child who is our own and needs a loving and supportive family, or maybe we don't have kids at all and God uses us in a completely different way than we ever thought. It's a process to work through this kind of problem and I know with God and Andy I'll come through on the other side of this with a whole new perspective and testimony of Gods work.
I just keep coming back to this verse, which I know is very over used, but it honestly just helps me ever single day:
“So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Matthew 6:34
God will take care of us and He knows how each part of our story works together.
In case you do not know I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome and Endometriosis, both of which are leading causes of infertility in women. The first time I was told by a Doctor I was not going to be able to have children was just about 1 year ago to the day, right before my surgery for the aforementioned conditions. I honestly don't think it was until my conversation with Andy tonight that I really dealt with how I felt about it. Whenever people have asked me "When are you and Andy having kids?" I usually responded with a laughable "Oh, we're just not ready yet" meanwhile screaming in my head something about how I have been told we can't and really don't want to be asked that. However, as always, I put on my smile and face the world, all while really pretending the issue didn't really exist.
However, I finally did have that breakdown about it. Yes it was about 1 year later than a normal persons breakdown would happen, but it happened nonetheless. Andy had just made a simple statement about him being in a place where he had really come to terms with it and was accepting of adoption (although it was something we had always talked about) I realized at that point I have not come to terms with it at all. So for about 35 minutes I cried and just let it all out, my worries about not being able to have kids, the feeling of inadequacy about not being able to do something a woman is supposed to be able to do, and the worries of how stressful it may be if we do try to conceive. Not to mention the problems I could have with the pregnancy if it does ever happen. And how much I want to adopt but can't help but feel like I want my own child too and how selfish that makes me feel because I know there are a lot of children out there with needs. Now that all my concerns were all out in the open and I had just cried and talked for 35 minutes, I mostly just expected Andy to tell me I was crazy about having so many emotions come out, but, he just took my hand, told me he loved me, and that God had a plan.
Honestly, finally letting all of that out of my system, even though it was long overdue, I feel like it has finally opened it up where God can heal this part of my life and reveal how He is going to use this for His kingdom and honor. Maybe Andy and I will be able to miraculously have kids and all this anxiety will be for nothing, maybe we adopt a child who is our own and needs a loving and supportive family, or maybe we don't have kids at all and God uses us in a completely different way than we ever thought. It's a process to work through this kind of problem and I know with God and Andy I'll come through on the other side of this with a whole new perspective and testimony of Gods work.
I just keep coming back to this verse, which I know is very over used, but it honestly just helps me ever single day:
“So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Matthew 6:34
God will take care of us and He knows how each part of our story works together.
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