Being Content

by 7:27 PM
I feel as though being content is one of the hardest challenges in life, at least for myself. How do you focus on where you are today with out focusing on where you will be 5 years from now or even a week from now? I am not sitting here wanting to write about my solution to this, because honestly I don't know the answer. For example, sometimes (most of the time) I love that we moved home, yet there are days I wake up and just want to be done with this move and start the new better adventure I think is in the plan. 
Here's some facts:
-I love being home.
-My husband loves being home.
-I don't know what (if there even is one) that new plan is.
-We both feel this is where God wants us.
Yet, despite all these things that I know are true, I feel myself craving the next thing even though I know I haven't accomplished all God wants me to do here. How can I do what God wants me to today if I keep focusing on what I think he wants for me down the road? We get so caught up in thinking about the future we forget to live in the present. We forget to embrace what God has given us today because we are thinking about what He may or may not give us tomorrow.

Sarah and I were talking the other day how this problem boils down to if we are trusting God completely or not. If I am trusting God completely I would not be worried about tomorrow. If you read my last post you saw I quoted Matthew 6:34, a verse everyone has probably read 1000 times, so familiar it gets glazed over and not really processed. If you read 6:25-34 we're clearly told by Jesus that God provides the things we need for us and we are to "seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you". 

God knows us better than we even know ourselves, not being content in where God has you is almost like telling God "I know better than You do about what I should be doing". Trying to take control of a situation that God already has control over.

Now I am not necessarily discrediting planning of any sort, because obviously if tomorrow God called me to China, there would be some necessary plans to be made. What I am saying is that don't just focus on the future your whole life, be joyful in what God has provided for you today, no matter what bigger better plans you think He has for you tomorrow.

I don't say all this to

Babies, Life, and Things

by 7:00 PM
I do not talk much about the fact that Andy and I have a very slim chance of having a kid of our own. Mostly because I am the type of person that if a topic is difficult to talk about I like to change the subject as quickly as possible ( a habit I am really trying hard to beak). However, after a long chat with Andy about this topic this evening, I decided to share a bit of my heart with all of you.

In case you do not know I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome and Endometriosis, both of which are leading causes of infertility in women. The first time I was told by a Doctor I was not going to be able to have children was just about 1 year ago to the day, right before my surgery for the aforementioned conditions. I honestly don't think it was until my conversation with Andy tonight that I really dealt with how I felt about it. Whenever people have asked me "When are you and Andy having kids?" I usually responded with a laughable "Oh, we're just not ready yet" meanwhile screaming in my head something about how I have been told we can't and really don't want to be asked that. However, as always, I put on my smile and face the world, all while really pretending the issue didn't really exist.

However, I finally did have that breakdown about it. Yes it was about 1 year later than a normal persons breakdown would happen, but it happened nonetheless. Andy had just made a simple statement about him being in a place where he had really come to terms with it and was accepting of adoption (although it was something we had always talked about) I realized at that point I have not come to terms with it at all. So for about 35 minutes I cried and just let it all out, my worries about not being able to have kids, the feeling of inadequacy about not being able to do something a woman is supposed to be able to do, and the worries of how stressful it may be if we do try to conceive. Not to mention the problems I could have with the pregnancy if it does ever happen. And how much I want to adopt but can't help but feel like I want my own child too and how selfish that makes me feel because I know there are a lot of children out there with needs.  Now that all my concerns were all out in the open and I had just cried and talked for 35 minutes, I mostly just expected Andy to tell me I was crazy about having so many emotions come out, but, he just took my hand, told me he loved me, and that God had a plan.

Honestly, finally letting all of that out of my system, even though it was long overdue, I feel like it has finally opened it up where God can heal this part of my life and reveal how He is going to use this for His kingdom and honor. Maybe Andy and I will be able to miraculously have kids and all this anxiety will be for nothing, maybe we adopt a child who is our own and needs a loving and supportive family, or maybe we don't have kids at all and God uses us in a completely different way than we ever thought. It's a process to work through this kind of problem and I know with God and Andy I'll come through on the other side of this with a whole new perspective and testimony of Gods work.

I just keep coming back to this verse, which I know is very over used, but it honestly just helps me ever single day:

 “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Matthew 6:34

God will take care of us and He knows how each part of our story works together.

Starting Fresh

by 8:11 PM
I've been thinking a lot about how to get back my “creative spirit”. I love to take photos, write, even draw although I am not the best at it. I just do not know how, this is going to sound slightly odd, but ever since that person stole my camera out of my car last October, it’s like they took my creativity with them. Basically I felt like I was sucker punched in the creative gut. I stopped blogging, I obviously stopped taking pictures, and was drawing very little. Honestly, I don’t understand why it bothered me to the point where it started to affect all aspects of my creative life. But then you get in the rut and even when you have the tools available to you again you still don’t pick it right back up. Both times that I've gone out to take pictures recently has been a result of Sarah's encouragement, not my own usual want to take photos. I always feel so good after too, like I have revitalized my soul (did I sound hippie enough right there?). Yet for some reason it’s not second nature anymore to just grab a camera every day and do some photo shoots or to randomly type out a blog, even though those are some of my favorite things to do. I think I've just gotten to a point where I take both things too seriously, I get too caught up in whether the result is perfect or not, I can’t focus on just letting my creativity out. 
Blogging used to be my favorite thing back when it was just Abbey and I that would use it as “letters” back and forth to each other, then I decided to make a new one, that was getting quiet a few readers and it stressed me out to where I don’t think I have touched that blog in almost a year, so here we go again, tempting fate to see how long I can keep this one going. I think the same thing happened with my photography too, working professionally for Liberty, although I learned a lot and it was a great experience, I started to focus too much on the “whats going to be the best for the graphic design team to use” and less on the “I just want to take pictures that express me”. 
I also feel like as a creative person it is hard for the Internet to not kill my motivation to create things. Even though it can be inspiring to look at other peoples photo’s, blogs, etc. It can also create this feeling inside that you will not do as well as that other person and that feeling is just crap. Number one, that person is going to feel that same way when they scroll through art on the Internet, they just are. Number 2, even if theirs better than anything you’ll do, who effing cares? Art is something you should do for yourself. Oh man I can already here all the rebuttal to that previous sentence. However, before you start ranting just yet, here’s what I mean, with the development of Social Media it has become almost too easy to share your creative things and can make you feel like you should be doing creative things to make sure the people who are going to see it on Facebook or Twitter like them, but at the end of the day, you are the one who should be getting the most fulfillment out of it. I mean yes, we do all want our art to speak to others, but sometimes we need it to speak to ourselves (seriously hippie again, maybe I’m just really a hippie now). For an instance of what I mean, drawing is something I love to do, but don’t really share with anyone, it’s something I find really therapeutic and will do regardless of how awful I am at it, it's somethings I can get fulfillment out of, but the rest of the world probably would not.
All this ranting to say, I think I am finally getting my creative mojo back, I find myself wanting to do more (as I sit here at 11 O’clock at night writing a blog post). I just need to remember that regardless of how anyone else feels about my art, as long as I am happy with it that is all that matters.

Powered by Blogger.